I’ve been putting off addressing this topic for some time now. Not because I’m being secretive or just avoiding it to be difficult, but because I’m still struggling with it myself. Today, I thought I’d be honest and address questions that have been asked surrounding this topic, so if it’s asked in future I can signpost people to this post.
For those who don’t know, I realised I wasn’t straight aged 14. I was terrified, self-conscious, and amidst the lowest point my mental health had ever been. A few months later, I started cognitive behavioural therapy. Everything was a bit of a mess mental health wise, and my sexuality was something I saw as the last thing I wanted to confront at that time.
At first, I came out as bisexua but later understood I was more attracted to women than men. Being queer, as much as I gave the impression I was accepting of it and an LGBT ally, deep down I hated the thought of it. I didn’t want to be different. It was hard enough having no self esteem and no friends, and my time at school was terrible. I didn’t want to be outside the societal norm and have to live with that for the rest of my life too. It felt like everything came at once. ‘Here you go, Lucy. While you’re being bullied, sitting at school alone, battling depression and social anxiety. You’re not straight either!’
As time passed, I slowly accepted this part of myself. But I still hadn’t really confronted it. I got into relationships with women, met a woman that changed my life. Only I hadn’t accepted my sexuality deep down. I’d accepted that I was in a relationship with a woman, I was proud of that. But I was still ashamed internally, with internalised homophobia probably encouraged by the societal norm. I wished I was straight. For an easier life, I suppose.
The difficult part to go into is that once my relationship ended, I was absolutely devastated. My girlfriend had given me so much confidence in my sexuality, a ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude, and together we were a team. The thought of doing it alone terrified me. Brought back memories of being 14 and isolated. The solution, I thought, would be to distance myself from the LGBT community and my sexuality as much as possible.
Now, I’m coming to recognise, after months of self-questioning and hurt, that this is who I am. I’m queer and I am proud of that. I suppose during my teenage years it was something I didn’t properly confront, because I was in the worst stages my mental health had been at. I came out at a young age and that was it. But I never really acknowledged what my sexuality meant.
At the end of the day, I’m attracted to the person. Male, female or other. The gender doesn’t matter to me.
I doubt this post really makes sense. What I can tell you is that I’m very much attracted to women, I always have been. What I’m learning to do is re-accept that part of myself and work on getting that self-acceptance back.